This weekend, Buddy had his first official playdate with a friend from his kindergarten class. The whole thing was kind of strange. We got a voice message from the little boy the week before, which basically went like, “Hi, is Buddy home? Can we have a playdate on Friday?”
No name, no phone number, nothing.
Thank to caller ID and the class contact list, I figured out it was a boy from his class who Buddy has actually talked about. I emailed the boy’s mom to introduce myself and come up with a plan. She wrote back and explained that she had no idea her son had called; apparently, he had figured out how to call Buddy on his own, using the class list. She asked about the following Saturday, and by that point, since it kind of felt like I was the one who had initiated the playdate, I suggested having her son come here.
Around 10am on Saturday morning I started to panic. I felt like a kindergarten playdate virgin. My only experience with playdates have been with family friends – and even then, the playdate itself is more an excuse for the parents to get together to eat, drink and schmooze. I had never met this boy’s parents, wouldn’t know them if I bumped into them on the street. For that matter, I had no clue who the boy was, either. And here lay my dilemma. Would the boy’s mom hang out for the duration of the playdate? Should I be prepared to make hours of small talk? Should I bribe Mimi to skip her nap so she could distract entertain us?
I had no idea what the proper “etiquette” was, and I felt even more clueless (and naive) knowing this mom has two older ones at home and knew how this worked. I felt like such a newbie kindergarten mom.
In the end, I decided to bake a batch of brownies and put on a pot of coffee. I came up with a list of structured activities (play doh, puzzles) to have at the ready, should the boys start arguing or complain that they’re bored. When the doorbell rang, Buddy raced to the door to let his friend in. The mom and I awkwardly introduced each other, and she introduced the older daughter standing there with her at the doorstep.
It was then that I realized her car was still running.
After the initial pleasantries, she said, “What time should I come back?” A little stunned, I replied, “Oh, whenever you want, we’re around all afternoon.” (Doh. What was I thinking?)
“How about 5pm?” she said, as I quickly calculated that this was four hours from now.
“Sure,” I replied, with a fake smile.
And she took off. No cell phone number (although I did have it on our class contact list), no instructions (“He is allergic to nuts!”). What do I do if the kid falls and needs stitches? What if he turns out to be a brat and I have to discipline him? What if we have a family emergency and I need her to come pick him up?
I texted my best friend and she called immediately with two words that accurately summed up the situation.
“That’s balls!”
Or maybe it’s not? Perhaps this is how playdates are handled in the elementary school world? And honestly, wasn’t I a little relieved to not have to entertain and make awkward small talk with this stranger for hours? Plus, her son was obviously fine with her leaving, because there was no clinging or tearful goodbyes as she booked it walked out the door.
Even still, I’m not sure I would leave my child with perfect strangers without staying for at least a little while to make sure they’re not psychopaths.
Buddy’s friend was wonderful, though. Well behaved, polite. The boys honestly had a terrific time for four hours. No real fighting, no tears, no whining, no complaining. They had fun, and it was truly easier keeping tabs on them for four hours than it normally is to entertain Buddy solo for the same amount of time. And I didn’t even need to put on a movie – my ultimate go-to bribe distraction.
So, okay, I still feel like I kind of got used as a free babysitter. But in the end, I guess we should just be happy and proud that our son has bonded with a friend in his class, a nice boy with good manners who was sweet not just to Buddy, but to Mimi and Raven, too.
This whole experience made me realize that there really aren’t a set of rules governing playdates. Just because this family felt comfortable with a drop-off playdate doesn’t mean we have to. We should decide on a case-by-case basis, depending on the kids and parents involved. Playdates – especially when you don’t know the other parents – are really just a case of playing it by ear, of trusting our instincts.
But in the meantime, I thought I’d share a few helpful tips to help any other clueless moms freaking out about how to handle their own kindergarten playdate – particularly when the other child (and their parents) are virtual strangers:
- Be prepared. If you’re hosting, be prepared to invite the other parent in for a coffee. Be prepared for them to stay for 20 minutes or for two hours. But at the same time, be prepared for the parent to decline and make a beeline out the door so she can enjoy a solo trip to Target. If you’re dropping off, be prepared to go inside for a bit, or even longer, depending on how comfortable you and your child are. And, while this is unlikely, be prepared to not be invited in (although if that happens, you might want to think about whether to continue with the playdate at all.)
- Have some canned lines and/or excuses available, just in case. “Well, it looks like they’re getting along really well. It’s totally fine if you need to take off and take care of some errands or something. Just leave me your cell number.” Or, “Unfortunately, we have plans later today, so we’ll probably have to head out a little early.” Or, “Can I offer you a cup of coffee? It would be nice to chat, and I’m sure you want to check us out and make sure we’re perfectly normal! [insert smile and not-too-fake laugh].” Humor is a great way to diffuse an awkward situation.
- Have an end time for the playdate in mind. This was my rookie mistake, although it worked out well in the end. But this is particularly important, especially if you know your child has a certain threshold for playdate fun before they start getting obnoxious or tired. I’m still kind of surprised Buddy was good for four hours. In retrospect, I should have suggested more like a 2 or 2.5 hour playdate as opposed to 4 hours – at least for the first one.
- Back up ideas! Thankfully, Buddy and his pal did an excellent job of entertaining themselves. But on the advice of a friend, I had a few activities in my proverbial back pocket in case I needed them.
Speak up, moms and dads! What are your feelings about playdates? Do you “drop and go” or do you hang around for awhile?
Kelly says
Your friend’s reaction is amazing. And similar to mine! Very funny. My littles are still, well, little so I’d never think of just dropping one off for a play date. Great tips for as they get older!
Jessica says
I know, the whole thing was just bizarre. Maybe by kid #3 you’re a little more laid-back about things? At least the kid was sweet. Not sure what I would have done otherwise!
sarah says
Eeek! i cannot imagine just dropping my kid off at a strangers house!
Liz {Learning to Juggle} says
Its a little scary the first time around but it gets easier. Up until last year we only did playdates with family friends so it was easy. We’re getting better at it though. Definitely having an end time in mind does help!! It is amazing though, its easier to “watch” two kids than one that needs constant entertainment!!
Jessica says
I’m glad to hear it 🙂 My son had such a good time, so that’s what I’m trying to focus on, but now I know how to handle this next time.
Karen says
Wow. That is rather brazen of her. I know I’m an overprotective mom and all, but I stay for the first playdate, no exceptions. And after that, there’s a clear ending, a statement that he’s allowed to have any snacks with no restrictions as there are no allergies to be concerns about, and I hand them my business card with my work cell on it and my personal cell written on it. I also tell them where I will be. I expect the same of the other parent who would be leaving their child with me. Heaven forbid something would happen, you don’t have time to go looking for a class list and hope that the numbers on there are accurate!
And yes, when I used the bathroom in a home and there was a basket in there filled with NRA magazines, I DID ask the parents their policy on guns in the home and how they are stored. My kid, my rules. (I was okay with their answer, and they were very gracious about me asking, so he was allowed back for more playdates, despite my personal feelings about guns.)
Jessica says
Karen – LOL 😉 Love the idea of leaving your card behind. I may have to copy that!
Joanna {Baby Gators Den} says
Dying laughing at your friend’s reaction! Too funny, I would have felt the same way. That was a long play date too, lol. Good to know these tips before my kids have drop off play dates. Thanks for sharing!
Jennifer (Savor) says
Four hours is crazy long my friend…..cell phone numbers a must next time. I think this mom was dying for some time alone. hehe
Jessica says
I know!! Ahh, live and learn, right? In the meantime, I’m just thankful that there were no major catastrophes 😉
Sharon - MomGenerations.com says
Oh, this brings back memories from decades ago of the dreaded, “Can I have a play date?” Your suggestions are perfect, always leaving room for the unexpected but being prepared at the same time. I will say that I’m happy my kids are all grown up with kids of their own… but my grandson Henry asked me recently, “Grandma, can you have a play date for me and my best friend, Nick?” I answered, “Oh, Honey, that’s something mommies and daddies do!” Off the hook!
Heather @ Kraus House Mom says
I rather have kids at my house then have mine out at someone else’s. I have 3 so adding another one is no big deal and I taught for 16 years so I’m used to gaggles of kids. I always send the parents off, I tell them to go do something without their kid.
Kameron @ My Wrinkle in Time says
I think it is crazy to drop your kid off for 4 hours when you have never met the family!! I’m glad it worked out though!
Tera Norberg says
Ummmmm wow…. I would never drop Zac off at a stranger’s house or expect a stranger to watch him for that amount of time LOL. I give you credit! I’m glad that your son enjoyed the play date and hopefully you were able to get a little a lone/quite time!
Chelley @ AIsForAdelaide says
I am bookmarking this post. I am so nervous about etiquette… this mom seemed very laid back and ballsy. I’m glad you had lots of stuff on hand and Buddy was such a good boy!
mel says
I am so laughing at how your friend responded. I would have been the same way! And yes 4 hours is a long time!
Nikki | Days With Us says
We are not there yet but your post was great preparation for those soon-to-be days. Wow, your friend was correct in estimation of the situation. You handled it well and with such grace. Nice going. I really enjoyed your post and look forward to following along.
Amber says
Ack. I would never drop off my kids for 4 hours. I have a kindergartener and if there is a playdate, I always assume that I’ll stay unless the parent tells me otherwise.
JD @ Honest Mom says
LOL! I would have freaked out if someone did that to me! Four hours?!
I have a 1st grader and she just got comfortable with drop-off playdates this year. I still don’t know when I’m setting up playdates whether the other mom expects me to stay or what. So confusing!
Thanks for linking up at Honest Voices!
Rachael :: Nothing if Not Intentional says
My kids are much younger (my oldest is 2 1/2), but I noticed that someone else mentioned the gun issue. Is it appropriate to ask friends/parents if they have guns in the house and how andwhere they are stored? Surely it is! (Right?) I don’t know…it feels personal, but it’s a safety concern. Maybe someone can provide a script for how to make that conversation less awkward. 🙂
Jessica says
I know, I never even thought of that issue. Thankfully all of our playdates to date have been with people we know who I know do not keep any guns, but I am not sure how to tackle that as he starts having playdates with new school friends at their homes.
Kelly says
That is a really long play date! We recently had a mom drop her child off and as she left I was quick enough to ask for the cell phone number and to tell her 2 hours.
I was surprised that she left her son, but the more I hear… It is common. Just not my style 🙂
Ellie {Musing Momma} says
My kindergartener just had his first play date invitation (outside the neighborhood) a few weeks ago and I wondered the exact same things! I think around kindergarten is okay to start doing a parent-free play date for a short amount of time, but it is so useful to line up the parameters up front because I imagine everyone has different expectations at this age and, like you said, some are okay with leaving their kid with a stranger for 4 hours. 🙂 Fortunately, the other mom let me know it was okay to just drop off (“Do you want to bring him by around 9?” vs. “When do you want to come over?”) and we planned about 2 hours which I agree is a perfect amount of time. My son had a blast!
Kristi says
So, I’m kind of on the other side of it. My daughter, Brooklynn, was invited to her first “solo” play date (which is today). She has only been without me with family and friends. This play date is at a fun center and the mom offered to pick her up and drop her off. I decided I will drive her to and from, but leaving her is the hard part. I met the mom at a school function, as the girls are kindergarten classmates. Although, I can’t help but feel anxious about leaving my daughter with a stranger essentially. You hear about stories of people taking off with kids and it scares me to death! Not only is the thought of the mom taking her, but is she going to be properly supervised to ensure some weirdo doesn’t pick her up in the fun center. I feel like I’m crazy thinking these things, but it has happened before! Should I stay for the play date? Or is it time to let go a little?
Jessica says
Hi Kristi! How did the playdate go? I don’t blame you – I’d feel the same way. It’s different when you’re in a public place as opposed to someone’s home. Did you end up staying?