If I read one more story about the “working mom” vs. “stay at home mom” debate, I may scream.
Enough already, okay?
Every time a new expose or analysis or commentary comes out, or some pundit or “expert” starts shooting off his or her mouth, it stirs up a brand new round of the never-ending and completely overblown “Mommy Wars.” And now we have leaning in, leaning out, opting in, opting out … honestly, I can’t keep track of all the different terminologies and theories that have been floated out there the last few months. It’s exhausting.
But it took the latest entry into the debate – a look back at the original “opt out” generation who voluntarily left their fast track careers a decade ago but now want back in – for me to finally see the light.
I don’t know what it was about this particular article (which was well-written and well-reported) that did it, or if it’s just a culmination of all the recent media coverage of leaning and opting and what-have-you, but after years of struggling with an unsettling mix of guilt, envy, regret and self-righteousness when it comes to this issue, I came to a liberating realization: I am finally over the “war” between WAHM and SAHM and WFHM and [fill-in-the-blank Mom acronym].
It feels GOOD to say that out loud.
Do you work 80 hours a week and have a nanny at home? Fabulous. Do you work full-time from your home office so you can pick your kids up from the bus stop? Good for you. Do your kids go to daycare? Awesome. Work part-time in the evenings? Terrific. Are you home with your kids, making crafts and going to the playground? Excellent.
I’m happy for all of you. But I couldn’t care less.
With all this opting in/opting out talk, we tend to forget one important point: In many of these cases, these are choices, and it is a luxury to be able to voluntarily choose between pursuing a career and staying home with your children, regardless of which side of the fence you fall on. Many women would love to have that option.
Perhaps those on the front lines of the “Mommy Wars” are looking for validation, or are trying to keep up with the Joneses, or are dealing with their own insecurities. But either way, shouldn’t we push past that and encourage and respect each other, rather than judging or criticizing each other, for the ways in which we support our families? After all, we’re all in this together, and I think we can all agree that it really does take a village to raise a family today.
Of course, it’s only natural that there are days when we wish our situations were different, but isn’t that, well, life? There’s no shame in that. It doesn’t mean you’re a “bad mom” because you’re having a rough day and wish you could be somewhere else. It’s called being human. So cut yourself some slack.
Instead of falling prey to the latest “Mommy Wars” media frenzy, why don’t we ask ourselves this: Am I happy and personally fulfilled? Are my kids thriving? Can we afford to put food on the table and a roof over our heads?
If the answer to those questions is yes (at least most of the time), then you’re doing the right thing for you. Yup, that’s right. For you. Because there is no “right way” to do this whole motherhood gig. It’s not black or white. We all have different situations and circumstances and personalities and priorities and obligations. What works for you may not work for your neighbor down the street or your best friend or your mother-in-law. As long as it works for you, and your family, then who really cares?
Not me.
So join me in waving the white flag when it comes to the “Mommy Wars.” Ignore the media hype. Avoid the debate. It’s time to call a truce.
Does anyone else have “Mommy War” fatigue? Do you think the media is fueling the fire? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.
P.S. Some of my fellow bloggers have also tackled this topic in their own fabulous and unique ways, so I encourage you to check them out too:
Cheryl says
Great post, Jessica. I honestly don’t think we all judge each other as much as the media makes it seem like we do. That’s why I think it’s important for more moderate and supportive voices like ours keep expressing ourselves. Maybe, someday, the media will catch on to our way of thinking. 🙂 Thanks for including me in your post.
Jessica says
I agree – sometimes I feel the media hype is a distraction that shifts our focus away from some of the more important societal issues that are at the core of this “debate.” Sigh. Happy to include you 🙂
thedoseofreality says
Love what you said. It is exhausting. And such an unnecessary debate to be having. Because, UGH, enough already people. Can’t we all just support and validate each other? P.S. Thank you so much for the shout-out! :)-The Dose Girls
Jessica Smock says
I definitely know what you mean about being “over” this continual hand-wringing over mothers’ work status and ability to juggle family and career. But maybe I’m being overly optimistic but I didn’t think in most places this discussion — about the “opting out” women — hasn’t really been talked about too much in terms of a “battle”. I mean, sure some of the headlines have been sensationalized. But I felt that so much of the writing about this — including this Judith Warner piece — genuinely reflects the deep ambivalence over women’s (and men’s) changing roles in a deeply troubled economy. But all of us — moms who are struggling with these issues — do get some of the media obsession, that’s for sure.
Emily says
I’m with you here. I actually didn’t know about this war until I resigned from my career and started blogging. Everywhere I turned there were memes about it, articles about it, eCards about it and on and on. It gave me a little bit of a complex. Thankfully, the moms in my life are more supportive than all this…or maybe they’re just too busy to don their war gear.
I’m glad you shared your insight!
Jessica says
Emily, love the “war gear” visual. I agree – it’s like what Cheryl said in the first comment – that the media (and all these memes, etc.) make it seem like we’re judging each other more than we really are. Because I’m with you – thankfully I don’t see any of this in my personal life 🙂
Jessica says
That’s a great point, Jessica, they are totally two separate issues. You hit that nail on the head. But I feel like it still fuels this larger, more contentious media frenzy, which in turn keeps this ridiculous “debate” going. Some sociologist is gonna have a field day with this one someday 🙂
Kathy Radigan says
Jessica what an excellent post!!! I too am so tired of the mommy wars and gladly wave the white flag with you!!!
Denise Spencer says
Wonderfully written! How sad that we all can not join together and support each other when we need it the most. When you speak to older women, they will tell you they never heard of such a thing when they were young mothers. I think its wonderful so many women have choices when it comes to their families, some women do have to work (like myself) and hate being judged for it.
I feel as long as your family is happy and healthy, you are winning the battle that is called life! 🙂
liza says
ugh i am so over it too. i’m a mom who works From home so i Can stay home … it seriously should not matter what anyone does. we are all busy in our own way and what matters most is if it works for you and your family.
Chelley / AisForAdelaide says
I love this post. There is so much that I worry about- the last thing I need is a debate on whether working from home (without pay)/being a SAHM is the right thing to do. Sometimes there aren’t options in either direction. We are ALL doing the same darn thing… why do we undercut each other?
Life is hard enough.
Sharon - MomGenerations.com says
Beautifully written. I waved the white flag decades ago when I was teaching and raising my family (I taught for 30 years and my kids are awesome… well, at least I think so!). I remember exactly when the white flag flew. I was at the bus stop with my kids before heading off to work when a mother who had just moved into the neighborhood joined the parents already there. She eyed me up and down, and I realized that she was in casual work-out type clothing and I was in heels and a dress. She said (and I quote), in the most sympathetic voice imaginable, “You… work?” I said, “Yes,” and gave her nothing more. There was nothing to say that would stop this war, even back then… but for saying/feeling/doing nothing but what made me happy as a Mom, a woman, a teacher. Amen.