I know I owe you guys a recap of my first trail race, which was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done (check that one off the bucket list!). But in the meantime, I received my official race photos.
And I cringed.
Rather than feeling pride at the fact I was accomplishing something new, I felt disgust.
I hate how I immediately zeroed in on my thighs, rather than the strong and determined look on my face.
In the distorted, funhouse mirror of my mind, I looked clumsy and awkward and stocky. I didn’t look like a runner.
I’ve been running seriously for four years now, and as much as I’ve tried to retrain my brain, I still have a long way to go. I remember how empowered I felt writing this post in October 2014 about coming to terms with my runner’s body, and how it’s okay that I wasn’t long and lanky like a stereotypial runner, and how “it really doesn’t make a difference what my thighs look like.”
I know this is what I’m supposed to be saying, to be thinking. I’m supposed to be embracing “Strong is the new skinny!” And I really, really want to.
Yet less than a year later, there I was, updating that post to talk about how sad it felt to have my shorts from the previous summer feel snug, even though my weight was the same.
And now here I am again. Struggling with the same issues, the same nagging insecurities, the same disappointment that I’m not meeting some self-imposed “ideal” of what I’m “supposed” to look like.
Looking back at those posts, I really do appreciate the response I got from readers and friends, and all the lovely compliments and words of encouragement. Really, I do. But that’s not the point here. I’m not fishing for compliments.
Because a thousand, even a million, nice words can’t undo decades of hardwiring that has me focusing on my flaws and what my body isn’t, rather than the amazing things my body is capable of.
That part is up to me.
And it’s not going to be easy.
So that’s why I bought that photo from Monday’s race. To prove something to myself.
To find the confidence to be proud of, and to celebrate, my accomplishments and hard work (five half marathons? me?).
To be kind to myself and stop being so critical. To focus on the good I am doing for myself by running, eating well, and having fun.
To truly believe (not just write here on my blog because it sounds good) that runners come in all shapes and sizes, and just the fact that I don’t look like an Olympic marathoner doesn’t make me inferior or not a “real runner.”
Because I am a bad-ass who ran 6 miles through the woods and up rocky trails for the first time. I just need to remember that when I look at this photo.
Amy @ Running on Faith and Coffee says
We all do that to some extent. Sadly, it’s been so hard wired into society to be worried about what we look like. I wish sometimes, that I lived in the 30s and 40s when it was better to be ‘curvy’. I also think there wasn’t such a stigma about looks back then.
I think you look great, but then, like you said, it isn’t compliments from others that will help. My last race photo made me cry. They caught me in the down bounce so my belly really showed up. I am still holding at 185lbs and I’ve been running for over a year. Sometimes I feel like I am destined to be this weight forever. However, I do know I can finish Half marathons (well, one so far) and that I can keep up with my teenagers and keeping the house up.
As long as I please the Lord and can bless my family and others, I am happy.
I can relate though…it’s so hard NOT to be hard on ourselves. For me it was years as a child never living up to my siblings. I was never as good in my parent’s eyes, and that’s been hard to overcome.
Jessica says
Beautiful words — and thanks for letting me know I’m not alone ๐
Liz says
I wish I didn’t to this either, but I do it too for sure. I have a booty and muscular thighs. It’s a day-to-day up-and-down relationship with them for sure. I’ve dropped weight from being sick, but then I couldn’t do the things I love and rock them! That’s the biggest thing that’s helped me come to love (for the most part ๐ ) my muscular build, that it enables me to do all the activities I love! Rock it girl! And the picture is awesome!
Jessica says
Thanks so much and good for you for your rock star attitude! ๐
Rachel says
We definitely all do that! I rarely ever share my race photos because I feel like my stomach is either sticking out too much/my arms look flabby/or my face is super red and I’m too sweaty. Well of course I am, I’m running a freaking race! It’s so hard for us to accept ourselves and our perceived flaws, and I definitely try really hard to remind myself I’m my own worst critic. But like you said, you’re a badass runner- so you proudly display those photos! Those thighs (which by the way look awesome) are what got you through that race, show them some love!
Jessica says
Aww, thank you so much. And thanks for letting me know I’m not alone here.
Genevieve says
I’m not a runner, but I have the same struggle. Over the past two years I’ve gained a lot of upper body and core strength from my pole dancing classes. Biking and roller derby have strengthened my legs. I’m a healthy weight, but still not happy with my appearance. I just try to focus on the things that my new found strength enable and how that muscle will be even more important as I grow older.
Jessica says
So true! Thanks for the reminder ๐
Chris says
You look amazing and fit in that picture! Your legs aren’t flabby (or anything else), your core looks super strong, and you’ve got a look of ease-filled determination. You look like a runner. Be proud, and feel attractive.
Jessica says
You’re very sweet, thank you so much ๐