1.Who needs TV or toys when you have bodily noises and functions for your entertainment? Seriously, my child is a like a one-man band, with his various array of (real and pretend) burps and farts — which, of course, he finds totally hysterical. And as for the potty talk? Get used to it. Let’s just say he’s lucky his mom also has the sense of humor of a 12-year-old boy.
2. The pee. Okay, I know that a miss here and there is normal, but my guy is 6 and I’m still cleaning disgusting yellow, sticky messes off the floor and the base of the toilet and from behind the toilet seat and other bizarre places in the bathroom. Really, does he stand there with his hands on hips and just spray from left to right, like he’s watering a garden? I don’t get it.
3. The penis obsession. It starts early, my friends.
4. They are always moving. Always. Jumping, running, bouncing, wrestling, chasing, shoving. And when you throw in the daredevil factor (e.g. Let’s see what happens when I ride down the stairs in the laundry basket!)? It’s kind of like living with a cross between Tigger and one of the guys from Jackass.
5. Be prepared to visit your local emergency room at least once (or, if you’re like me, twice … within the span of eight weeks). Why? See No. 4. You know what’s fun? Trying to get a 3-year-old boy to lay still for stitches when he just went through the same thing two months earlier and totally knows what to expect.
6. They only speak in one volume: LOUD. That is, unless you are: (1) at the library, (2) trying to get his stubborn little sister to take a nap, or (3) in the changing room with him at Macy’s and he asks why your tummy jiggles. Then we’re talking rock concert decibles.
6. Mean boys do exist. Little girls aren’t the only ones who can be catty and cruel to each other.
7. Boys can be sensitive about their body image. I’ll never forget when Buddy pinched a teeny piece of flesh from his tummy (probably the last remnants of his babyhood) and announced he was fat. I was horrified. But it served as a reminder that our sons are also paying attention to the way we talk about our bodies … not just our daughters.
8. You can shield them from certain cartoons and video games, but somehow boys are naturally drawn to weapons. I can’t explain it. And it doesn’t matter if they don’t have a toy gun. Boys seem to be able to make weapons out of anything, whether it’s a banana or some Legos or a broom.
9. They really do believe in superheroes.
10. Boys love their mamas. I’ve heard people talk about how special the mother-son relationship is, but I never fully understood what they meant until I had a son of my own. It’s true: “Little boys leave smudges on your heart.”
What would you add to this list?
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