I am feeling surprisingly nostalgic right now. Why? It was at Thanksgiving two years ago that we announced to our families that we were expecting Mimi.
We bought a “Big Brother” shirt for Buddy and we waited to see how long it would take our family members to see his shirt and put two-and-two together. It was pretty funny, actually. Let’s say that some of our relatives are more (ahem) observant than others.
Now let’s be clear: I am not pregnant. Nor do I plan to be. But for some reason, I keep going back to that Thanksgiving and all the excitement (and anxiety) we were feeling about the prospect of finally becoming a family of four, and I can’t help but smile – perhaps a little wistfully.
But at the same time, I know in my heart that we are done with two. We have one boy and one girl. Both are healthy and happy and I can’t imagine my life without them. Our family feels complete.
And truthfully, I don’t think I could handle three kids. Hmm, make that: I know I couldn’t handle three kids.
Let’s take the financial piece out of the equation (and as all parents know – especially those families that shell out big bucks each month for full-time daycare – the financial piece is pretty significant.) So what’s left?
Logistics. Right now, things are pretty hectic as a party of four. I’ve chronicled an average day here before, but literally every waking moment is choreographed. And I know it will only get increasingly difficult as the kids get older and suddenly there are after-school activities and other events and obligations to deal with. I feel like we’re walking a tightrope, and it wouldn’t take much for us to lose our balance. The idea of a third child (and being outnumbered) is completely overwhelming – and slightly terrifying.
Mommy guilt. It’s a challenge juggling work, marriage, parenting, friendships, family … and two kids. Most days I come home and hope that I have enough left to give to Buddy and Mimi, and it’s an uneasy, guilt-inducing feeling. I know many women do it – and I am in awe of them – but the idea of being a working mom of three kids literally seems impossible to me.
My body. I admit it: feeling your child move inside you is one of the most profound and monumental things I will ever experience, and I am so thankful I had the opportunity – twice. But I didn’t enjoy most of the physical aspects of being pregnant, and the road to reclaiming yourself post-baby is long and hard. I worked my butt off to get back to where I was before having Mimi; call me selfish, but I don’t know if I want to go through all that again.
Me. My heart is capable of loving a dozen kids – but I don’t know if I have the temperament for it. Truth be told, I’m impatient and easily frustrated (always have been, just ask my parents), which means I find myself prodding my kids and hurrying them up when they dawdle or take their sweet time … just like typical kids. I am sometimes too quick to raise my voice. I find it really hard to be flexible (we know I love my schedules and routines). And, yes, sometimes I can be a little selfish. Somehow I’ve managed to hold my own (and just barely, at times) with two kids. I honestly don’t know how (from a purely emotional and personality standpoint) I would handle a third.
I’m not gonna lie: there’s still that small part of me that sees a little baby and turns to mush. When I’m with my baby niece, I just want to inhale her sweet smell and cover her with kisses. But then I stop and remember that expanding your family is more than just the sweet moments of having a newborn; you’re adding a whole other person to your family. It’s like that Johnson & Johnson commercial: Having a baby changes everything.
I’m sure Dr. G. and I are somewhat biased: we’re both from “two kid” families. But even still, I think we recognize our own limitations (be they financial, logistical, temperament, etc.) and know that, for us, this is the correct decision. I’m sure there will be times when we may question this, and we’re not taking any “permanent” actions at this time – plus, life can certainly throw you an unexpected curveball here and there. But all I know is that after six years I’ve finally started to give away some of Buddy’s baby clothes. I’ve handed all of Mimi’s baby clothes down to my sister. I’m doling out baby gear to neighbors and friends who can use them. For me, that speaks volumes about where we are headed.
So I’m telling myself that it’s okay to be wistful and nostalgic about Mimi’s big announcement. It was a special time in our life, but I’m at peace with our decision and feel blessed with the family that I have. So when people slyly ask, “So, are you having any more?” – and trust me, there are quite a few! – I will smile sweetly and tell them, “No, two is our magic number.”
For all you parents out there: Are you done having children? If so, how did you decide? Did you just “know”?
Cheryl says
I wrote such a similar post (http://www.busysincebirth.com/2011/05/so-long-sippies.html) a couple of years ago. It’s a hard decision to come to grips with, even if you’re happy with how things are!
Jessica says
Thank you, Cheryl! It’s nice to know that others have been in the same situation. Definitely a hard, and personal, decision – and kind of surreal, too. Thankfully I have a beautiful baby niece and many friends expecting little ones so I can still get my baby fix 😉
Dollops of Diane says
Deciding when enough is enough can be such a hard decision! I envy my friends who immediately knew that they were done at one, or two, or three. We have three and I’d love to say that I feel complete but I’m not quite there. That being said, I do think that we are done for some of the reasons you listed above and some others of our own. Although if we win the lottery, I’m totally having a 4th!
Jessica says
Hmmmm, winning the lottery totally changes the equation … might be enough to get me to reconsider 🙂
GiGi says
Last May when my husband and I enthusiastically gave away all of our gently used baby gear, car seat, stroller, and about a dozen other “baby necessities” to a fellow soldier and his family, we thought we were done having children. We too have two healthy children, a boy and a girl… and I thought for sure as I was rapidly approaching my late 30’s, that another baby was just out of the question for the same reasons that you so eloquently put into words. Then mid October came and to both our surprise, we found out we were expecting another baby due the day before my birthday. We are thrilled about adding to our family, however, my husband especially, has lost sleep thinking about how we are going to afford another little one, and I am slowly coming to grips about the very BIG possibility of becoming a permanent stay at home mom.
Whether it is planned or unexpected, adding to your family is a true blessing!
Jessica says
I couldn’t have said it better myself 🙂 Congratulations!
Katie says
This is such a great post!
I have only 1 son and I really want two kids. If I have a daughter next I’m sure I will be done. If I have a son I think I will try one more time. I really want a daughter! If the third child isn’t a girl, I am done and it wasn’t meant to be! (Especially at 1200 a month for daycare!!)
Jessica says
Thanks, Katie – and sorry for the belated reply! I know, daycare costs are unreal! Fingers crossed that you see pink next time 🙂
Emma says
I feel the exact same way. Having my daughter 18 months ago made me realize that as much as I’m a great mom, I can be selfish and I really, really value my own personal time and time with my husband to keep our marriage in tip top shape. I now have a one week old daughter, and these two will not only be close, but they will be very well taken care of, slightly spoiled and have plenty of attention from their parents. This is our limit and we’ve realized it. Other parents can definitely handle more but we’re A-okay to admit that this is all we can handle! (Ask me again when baby fever strikes in, oh, 5 months hahah)