They’re just four little words, but they were like a dagger to the heart. Especially when they come from an almost two-year-old.
I’m not quite sure she fully understood what she was saying, or if she was merely mimicking the same thing I had said to her a half hour earlier after picking her up at daycare, but Mimi randomly turned to me last night, looked at me straight in the eye, and said those words in her squeaky little girl voice as she hugged my neck.
Ouch.
I wanted to cry.
It’s moments like these when I start second-guessing everything: my decision to work full-time, my decision to send Mimi to daycare, my chosen profession, which does not afford a lot of flexible or part-time possibilities. Sometimes I feel like I’m riding a roller coaster in the dark with this whole “working mom” thing. You think you’re doing fine and all of a sudden – BAM – without any warning you’re suddenly screeching downhill and screaming your head off. But eventually you slow down and regain your equilibrium and pick up where you left off.
Hmm, and then again, this could be a metaphor for motherhood in general, right?
I know it could be worse. Unlike some of my friends, I can usually bring my kids to school or daycare each morning without dramatic farewells. We’ve never experienced true separation anxiety. I can count on two hands the total number of times I’ve had one of those gut-wrenching, heartbreaking morning drop-offs. I don’t know if it’s just their personalities, or – more likely – if I’m just really lucky.
But trust me: I still remember every excruciating detail of those painful drop-offs. How Buddy begged me not to leave. How Mimi clung to my leg. How I could hear Buddy wailing down the hallway as I literally ran out of the building before I burst into tears. How all of those mornings ended with my sobbing as I commuted to work, my heart aching, and I drove away from my babies feeling like the worst mother ever.
But yesterday was something new; I don’t think either of my kids have ever expressed this feeling of “I missed you” in such a matter-of-fact way before. And even though it hurt, in some ways it was also sweet – and is the validation I think every mom (or dad) is secretly looking for when they leave their child for any extended period of time. Sure, it’s selfish, but it’s also kind of comforting to know our kids miss us when we aren’t there. It’s all about finding that happy medium between missing each other and being able to cope with separation … for both parents and kids.
So I fought back the tears, squeezed her back, gave her a kiss and told her, “Mommy missed you too,” and we continued on with our night. Just another quick downhill plunge on that ol’ roller coaster.
P.S. My friend Cheryl also recently wrote a great post on this topic at Busy Since Birth. Check it out!
And don’t forget: I’m on Boston.com Moms today sharing my favorite blog posts!
Jacqui says
I can feel your pain with this one. Just remember you are doing what’s right for your family and yourself!
Sharon - MomGenerations.com says
Beautiful post, one that tugs at my memories of going back to my teaching career when my Jane was a baby. I still remember my heart tugs. The moments were difficult for me. But reflecting back all these decades is, of course, a much different view… a view where I know my kids saw my great big Mama love all the time and loved that I loved my teaching. Thank you for sharing and opening up this important discussion…
Samantha McGarry says
Ugh, yes. I empathize entirely. Even though my kids are in elementary school and leave every day without seemingly worrying about leaving me behind, I tell them every day how much I missed them. And they sometimes play it back to me more. As working Moms, this 8 or 9 hours of daily separation is both painful and cathartic, and in many cases, not optional. But as they saying goes, “how can I miss you if you don’t go away?”
Michele C. says
I can completely relate. Maddy was *that* kid at drop off. She cried every single day for about 6 months at drop off. It was awful. It is really hard to leave them each day. Yet I do find comfort in being myself during the day – working, using my brain for something other than kid things – and being able to be someone other than mommy. I would say it’s a tough balance but I don’t think there ever truly is a balance, like you said. There are ups and downs, highs and lows, and it’s our job to go along for the ride and find the joys in those moments of love.
Heather @ Kraus House Mom says
My youngest is the only one that would outwardly cause a scene. The other to would just walk away (Maizie runs as soon as we hit the school yard). They do call me in the phone a lot though, even when I just go to the store (I don’t go to work).
Chelley / AisForAdelaide says
Oh mama! You only miss what’s truly important in life- you must be doing a kicktail job as mama (of course!) and working warrior! Beautiful post. It made me wonder if being home is right… I don’t think Addie ever misses me, and I hope we never have drama when she goes to school. Yikes.
Jane - MomGenerations.com says
You are clearly a loving, compassionate, caring mama. It’s nice to be missed sometimes. Makes being together that much sweeter. 🙂
Shell says
I think we as mom’s always question if what we are doing is right- whether working or staying home, or working from home. There is always guilt! I work from home and make my own schedule- guess what- I still have guilt! Its a plague! Don’t even get me going on my guilt for when I have to go away for a few days for photo shoots! I cry every time behind the scenes! I am always so torn. I honestly have yet to meet a mom who isn’t affected by questioning herself and feeling guilty. You are a loving parent and doing your best- that’s what counts! 🙂 xoxo
Jennifer says
This is an excellent post, Jessica. As a SAHM trying to return to full-time work this fall, I think you named so many of my fears… I am trying to sort out what to do with the reality that I don’t want to be home full-time, or work full-time, but financially it’s so very hard to make anything “in the middle” work. I sure wish there were more part-time and flexible work options for parents!
Nancy Jean says
So sweet, Jess. I feel bad for all you working moms who have to find that balance. I’m in awe of you and all of those women on those roller coasters in the dark. Fab post.
Jessica says
Thank you ALL for your kind words and support! It means more than you know 😉