Updated July 21, 2014: I have been thinking about this post, which I originally wrote last fall, for awhile now. Really, ever since summer started and I had to break out all my old shorts I bought last April before our Disney trip.
Because they were snug. Not in the waist or the hips, but in the thighs.
And it’s not every pair, mind you, but enough that I started to get tears in my eyes as I felt the fabric stretch over my legs. My runner’s legs.
The rational side of me knows I haven’t gained more than a pound or two since last summer. The rational side of me knows I have run three half marathons — and a dozen other races — and significantly increased my mileage since I purchased these shorts.
But the emotional side of me is still panicking. And feeling, yes, a bit devastated.
I work so hard, and train so hard, and now here I am with a wardrobe of summer shorts that (mostly) no longer fit well.
And it made me think of this post. Since I bet some of you know exactly what I’m talking about, I thought it was worth sharing one more time.
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Originally posted October 2013
I have a confession to make. When I started running — I mean, really running, like training for half marathons and clocking 15-20 miles a week and regularly hitting double digits on my weekend runs — I secretly thought my body would magically transform.
Even though I have the exact opposite body type, and I know how genetics work, I still had a glimmer of hope that I’d suddenly turn into one of those sinewy, lanky, gazelle-like runners who I’d see at races or in my running magazines, all thin limbs and washboard abs.
Call it naiveté. Or wishful thinking. Or complete denial.
Whatever it was, it was completely unrealistic.
The reality is that running has clearly made my body stronger and faster and powerful; but sinewy, I am not. But then again, I never was. Instead, my legs have gotten more muscular and bulky, which I know is what gives me the power to run fast and carry me over longer distances. But for someone who has battled self-esteem and body image issues her whole life, it’s still kind of hard to reconcile (and it makes it tricky to find pants that fit well). And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed that all the miles I’ve put in still have not erased the dimples of cellulite hanging out near my hips, or that I don’t cringe at how my tummy still hangs over the waistband of some of my running tights and shorts.
Yes, I know I am being ridiculous. Yet there are still some mornings when I pull on my running capris and look at myself in the mirror, and the first things I zero in on are my thighs. And I think, Ugh.
When instead, I know I should be thinking, Wow.
Because a year ago, I never thought I was capable of running a half marathon, and here I am, getting ready to run my second in less than two weeks. I’m lucky to have these strong legs to get me over the finish line – even though they’re not lean and lanky like a stereotypical “runner.” And really, I’m fortunate to have a body that is able to run in the first place.
Isn’t that all that matters? Does it really make a difference what my thighs look like?
I’m finally realizing the answer to that last question is NO.
The reality is that there is no such thing as the perfect “runner’s body.” We runners come in all shapes and sizes, and you don’t have to have one of those lean and mean physiques to be fit and healthy …. or a competitive runner. Runners are tall and short, overweight and thin, stocky and average. We have short legs and long legs and everything in between. But our body shape, and what we look like on the outside, does not define who we are as runners.
I may not have a typical runner’s build, but you know what I do have? Willpower. Determination. Dedication. Strength. And a bit of stubbornness. And those are just as important as genetics, in my book.
Okay, so now on to some lighter – and much more exciting – news!
I am featured in the October 2013 issue of Women’s Running magazine!
As some of you may remember, I was the “Blogger on the Run” on the magazine’s website over the summer, which was a HUGE honor. So you can only imagine my reaction when they said they’d like to include my little blog in an upcoming print issue!
A big thank you to the team there – I’m truly honored to be included with such incredible company. Although I think Buddy may be the most excited. He’s been telling everyone, I’m in a magazine, I’m in a magazine!
Thanks again, Women’s Running!
Runners: Anyone else struggled with their body image?
Nicole@RunningWhileMommy says
First, congrats on being in Women’s Running! I can’t think of anything more exciting!
Second, I don’t have a typical “runners body” either. I lost weight when I started running and fit nicely into a size 8 but I am curvy, especially in my thighs, hips and butt. No worries though, I am happy and I know how healthy and strong I am and that is all that matters. You look fantastic!
Jessica says
Thanks so much, Nicole 🙂 And seriously, it sounds like you were describing me! As much as I think I’m past some of these issues, it’s crazy how they can suddenly come roaring back, even when I know they’re unfounded. Maybe I’m just having one of those weeks 🙂 Thanks again for the support!! xo
Michele C. says
I thought the same thing – that when I started running my body would suddenly become lean and thin. But what I gained instead was muscle. I have been out of the training loop this year but am getting back into it over the winter, and I cannot wait. Not to be skinny – but to be STRONG again. Because that’s what is important — being proud of what my body can accomplish!
Dawn says
All too often our focus is on being skinny, and not on being strong. Thanks for this powerful and personal reminder! And congrats on Women’s Running!
Nancy Jean says
OK, my friend. You look, in a word, FABULOUS! Stop being so hard on yourself. You’ve accomplished SO much. You have two fabulous kiddos, you’re running half marathons, and you look absolutely fantastic. From someone who has her own self esteem issues I totally get it. But if I looked like you, well, I don’t think I’d have so many issues. 😉 You go, girl! LOL!
Buddy says
Without a doubt, I completely and utterly felt and still feel the exact same way as you do! I started really running and training a few years ago, I still run a lot but backed off – got a tad extreme – I call it my obsessive body time and needed an outlet – which hasn’t gone away but is slowly not taking over my life as much, but I thought my hips would somehow revert inward, my thighs would magically become thin twigs and my calves would be so awesome – I’d be rocking capris or anything that would show them off magnificently. But sadly, none of that has come true (maybe if I pray to the body gods more). Somehow my legs have bulked and are extremely muscular, cellulite is still visible and my calves-well lets just say it looks like I have a rump roast underneath my skin on each of my calves. Pants fit more awkwardly now than before – especially with my slimmer waist and thick legs and calves – so easy to find pants! But there are so many meltdown moments I have had and still have everytime I catch a glimpse of my body in a mirror, but the funny part is that my free therapy (aka running) gets me past all of this and I analyze endlessly until I’m so tired from running that I cannot even think about minimal things let alone the complexity of my non perfect body. It’s an endless cycle, but its one that I love and enjoy and I’d rather be out there running and thinking about it than crying over a pint of Ben & Jerrys pint of wine, or developing some terrible eating disorder. Here’s to our imperfect bodies because they are what makes us human (and awesome!). Great article!
Kayla says
I need this so badly, you have no idea ( Its ironic to me that your name is buddy because thats exactly how i feel haha) I struggle every minute with constant body image obsession and food obsession. And I’m finding my outlet in running. But of course, I am taking everything to the extreme and pushing myself too much again. I need to tap into that chi style of running for health and happiness, not to be skinny and cringe when i see my stomach. It’s so so calming to hear I am not alone, I think the most beautiful people are the ones out there running without that “skinny runner” body. Stay great and positive!
Dollops of Diane says
I feel EXACTLY the same way as you but just substitute boot camp for running. I also wished that my thighs would disappear after doing so many sessions but sadly they are not going anywhere. It’s a work in progress to get myself to accept that!!
Oh, and CONGRATS on Buddy’s big magazine debut. You…oh, I mean he…must be so excited 😉
Erika says
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post! You perfectly described my experience while training for my first half marathon last year and my second half this year. I don’t look like a runner (or at least my vision of a runner) so I still find it so hard to call myself a runner. Really need to let that vision go and accept that yes, running half marathons makes me a runner!
Kayla says
After just looking at the “Womens Running Model” page, I must say I cannot explain how much i needed to hear this!
Its crazy the amount of stress we put on ourselves to want to look a certain unrealistic way. I believe the most beautiful people are the ones who believe they are beautiful. I struggle every moment of the day to tell myself I am worth it, and I hate that! I can’t even enjoy my runs without wondering how my calories I burned or if my fat is giggling or if this will finally help me lose weight or how many cupcakes i can possibly eat. You are absolutely amazing inspiration, please continue great mental health posts like this!
Jay says
Yep, I actually have struggled since I was little. I would get self – conscious in races and not pass girls who I thought as better or faster than me because they were long lean tall blondes.. me a short tan latina girl couldn’t compare.. but I realized it didn’t matter how I looked like I only have been running for 1year and a half and have placed very high in races with just a little training. I still struggle, I wish I had no boobs, a small toned butt and thighs with those flat abs… but I’m pretty fast with just my squishy small stomach and thick thighs and butt plus girl runners wish they had boobs so I see there’s negatives and positives of every body type as long as its healthy ♥