My son has always been an outgoing, chatty guy. He earned the nickname “Mr. Mayor” as a toddler, and it still holds true today. He loves greeting people, and he’s as comfortable shooting the breeze with adults as he is with his peers. And he is shockingly good at remembering people’s names (much better than his dad).
But lately I’ve been noticing that when he says hello to kids he knows – whether it’s a friend from his after-school program or a former daycare buddy that we bump into when we drop Mimi off – most of them either (a) look away, (b) look at him, but ignore him completely, or (c) look at him like he is speaking a foreign language.
And they don’t respond or acknowledge him. At all.
To his credit, Buddy seems rather unfazed by it. But you know what? It bothers me.
Now let me back up and say I definitely understand some kids are really shy, or introverted, or there may be developmental issues involved. I totally get that. In fact, I was extremely shy and quiet as a little girl.
But it bugs me how the parents – who are usually within earshot – never intervene to nudge, prompt or encourage their child to be friendly (and polite) in return.
If they know their child is shy, couldn’t the parent respond for him or her and say something to acknowledge Buddy’s greeting, simply as a way of demonstrating good manners and setting an example for their child? Like, “[Name], your friend said hi,” or “[Name], say hi to your friend.”
Maybe it’s just me, but I thought that was Social Etiquette 101. Someone says hello to you, and you respond, even it’s just with a nod, smile or wave … especially if it’s someone you know or recognize. Isn’t this a behavior we want to instill and nurture in our kids?
However, this got me thinking about my own actions and it makes me wonder if we, as a society, have become a little suspicious of friendliness. Think about it: how many times do you pass someone on the street or in the hall at work – whether it’s a person who looks vaguely familiar or a complete stranger – and you suddenly whip out your phone or go searching for your keys so you don’t have to make eye contact and potentially acknowledge that person? Or you walk past another person and keep your eyes focused straight ahead and pretend you don’t notice him or her?
And admit it, aren’t you a little skeptical or wary when a random stranger starts chatting your ear off when riding in an escalator or waiting in line at the drugstore?
Yup, I am totally guilty of doing this … along with about 99% of the population.
But still, is this how we want our kids to interact (or not interact) with the world? Are they observing, and mimicking, this behavior? I’m not sure I want my kids to think that being friendly is “weird.”
I wonder if Buddy will eventually notice how some kids are basically ignoring him, and if that will slowly discourage him from being so friendly and outgoing in the future. And that would kill me, because it is such a a major part of his personality. It’s what makes him who he is. My Mr. Mayor.
I know he is lucky to be so at ease with people, to have the confidence and chutzpah to chat with other kids and parents and clerks at the grocery store. So I will continue to support and encourage my social butterfly, even though I’m so tempted to tell him that it was rude for so-and-so to ignore him. Instead, I try to be positive and focus on his good manners and his good behavior. I comment on how nice it was that he said hello to his friend. I tell him how proud I am when he makes polite conversation with adults, or holds the door open at daycare for the family coming in after us.
Because the ability to be open and sociable is an innate quality and – in my opinion – is a wonderful life skill to have.
Has anyone else experienced this? Do you think it’s unfriendliness or shyness? Should parents intervene?
Heather @ Kraus House Mom says
This happens to my son all the time when he gets to school. He goes up and says Hi to everyone and practically no one says hi back. Pisses the hell out of me, the parents say hi to him, but not the kid. I ALWAYS make sure my kids acknowledge someone who speaks to them. It’s just simple manners. That’s the problem, parents aren’t teaching manners.
Jen says
I honestly think that many adults could learn from the innocence (friendliness) of children. My office is horrible – people will totally ignore you. It is so rude! There is nothing wrong with being friendly and saying hello – you never know who’s day you will brighten but doing it. In fact just yesterday an old man at the coffee shop I visited in the morning knocked on the window to say hello while I was leaving and it made me smile !
mel says
It happens to us adults but it really sucks when it happens to our kids! It is a simple Hi and to a 4 year old, that means everything to her! I am so with you on this!
melissa at filling our bucket says
Totally agree with you on this. I will always encourage my son to say hello when he is greeted, and to greet and treat people with kindness. It’s just common courtesy. Or at least it should be.
Sheri says
My kids are always saying “hello” and “have a nice day” to store clerks and the cashiers at the D&D drive-thru. Sometimes we get someone that doesn’t respond. First, not a good impression for kids. Second, my kids just say, “that’s a grumpy one” or “we got a nice one today” they easily brush it off, but it pisses me off! Rude.
Marnee says
So for clarification before I get on my own soap box I am the 1% of the population you mentioned above that DOES talk to EVERYONE! Drives my husband crazy…he says can’t we just ride in the elevator in silence like everyone else? NOPE, you never know when you are going to meet your new best friend! I can’t tell you countless times I’ve been able to network on their behalf just by an elevator ride.
Now that is said I will say this. I do not EVER MAKE my kids say hi, give hugs or engage with anyone unless they want to. Forcing children to do/be/say against their will is not teaching them to be polite its teaching them to forgo their own personal senses. When my kids were younger and if they wouldn’t say hi; I would wait till we got in the car and ask them why they didn’t say hi; usually it is because of the things mentioned above. It was then I would take the opportunity to encourage them to think about how the other child felt not being acknowledged; would they want to feel that way? Is it harmful to say hi? They would say no and that is how we taught our kids to be friendly, polite and courteous but demanding at the time to make your kid say hi when they don’t want to I think takes away their choice and granted 9 times out of 10 it is based out of either selfishness (just didn’t think it was important) or didn’t recognize the importance of it.
I hope this makes sense; I am not disagreeing with the fact we need to teach our kids manners and politeness I just think it should be done in a more private manner so they become thinkers on their own and not puppets to what we have identified as appropriate. My daughter is a lot like Buddy, says hi and talks to everyone..my son not so much…its just how they are.
And to give you hope; she is 13 and STILL talks to everyone – not such a great quality now….hahaha but that is a different topic
Jessica says
Such good points, Marnee! And at least you address it with your kids, whether it’s there in the moment or later. That’s the important thing. And good for you for being open and friendly and chatty!! I hope my son grows up the same way 🙂 And I am so there with you about not forcing hugs … I remember that happening as a little kid and I hated it.
Leah DeCesare says
Marnee – I agree with you on privately discussing kids actions, but I also think Jessica’s example of quietly saying, “Suzy, Max said Hi to you, it’s polite to say Hi back” is an appropriate way to teach our kiddos.
And – I thought the same thing as I read this, I, too, am in the 1% who will talk to anyone! It cracks my husband up, too! Someone once said to me that New Englanders aren’t friendly, I looked puzzled, Really? I talk to everyone, waiting in grocery store lines, passing in the stairwell, and people respond by talking back with me!
Justyna says
so you would rather guilt your kids after the fact than to have a learning experience in the moment? hugs I don’t force but a hello back?? that’s just plain old manners, when their dad comes home and they don’t feel like saying hi you don’t at least tell them its impolite?
Kirsten says
I am constantly reminding my children to respond when someone is speaking to them. They’re usually unintentionally missing the cue, either distracted by something else, or genuinely unaware, but I still think it’s important to point it out and push them to follow through with a reply. And leaving play dates too – always say thank you and goodbye to everyone. It’s the littlest things that will shape the kind of people they grow up to be. Rude and dismissive are not part of my recipe! Great post!
Michele C. says
oh my goodness yes! I actually was complaining about this in adults the other day too — there’s a mom at daycare who NEVER says good morning. I’m sorry, but if our children are spending 9 hours a day together, don’t you want to say good morning, be nice to the other parents, maybe glean a little bit about personalities of those people parenting the kids your kid is spending all day with? And agree about the kids for sure — my kids can be really shy when someone approaches them but I always get down and tell them to be polite and say hello back, etc. It’s common courtesy, but then again, that seems to be disappearing more and more each day too.
Jane - MomGenerations.com says
It drives me crazy when people – kids, adults, anyone – don’t respond to simple pleasantries. It’s just rude and I will definitely be teaching my kids to NOT be like that!
candice says
You are on to something here. Like, when I take G to the market, a two year old, and she waves to an adult or says hi and they straight up ignore her! Makes me nuts. How do you ignore a child?!
Kameron @ My Wrinkle in Time says
My kids are just like your son. They say hi to everyone. It amazes me how few kids respond. My kids can be overly friendly at times, and will talk to anyone who will listen, so I try to tell them to be mindful of other people’s personal space. I hope parents will encourage their kids to engage other children. Life is better with more friends. 🙂
jen @ keekoin says
My girls are pretty chatty with just about anyone, too (they most definitely get that from my husband, who cannot leave freakin’ BJ’s without at least 5 people’s social security numbers) and sometimes when other people speak to them first, they’re just off in la-la land or oblivious to the fact, so I always say, “so-and-so just asked you a question,” or, “so-and-so said hi to you.” and then i wait to see what their response is– which is always some kind of response. and if they don’t wanna respond (to strangers), they look at me for approval and i either say, “it’s ok- you can tell him/her” or if they really don’t want to say anything back, I intervene and say something back to the person for them. But, when it comes to friends and other kids their ages, my girls will jump at the opportunity to talk to them, so we’ve never had an issue there. i haven’t noticed the opposite happen with other kids yet… so far, friends of theirs haven’t not responded. I don’t ever make them give hugs or kisses to anyone, though. i HATED that as a kid, bc i was painfully shy and it was torture when i had to kiss or hug someone that i didn’t want to. I most definitely always try to encourage polite and good manners without being too forceful about it!
Karla says
My 5-year-old daughter is one of those kids who will, out of the blue, just be quiet and uncommunicative when someone talks to her. And it can be someone she knows! On the spot I’ll repeat the question or sentiment posed and nicely tell her to respond; I may do that a couple times but don’t push it because I think it puts them on the spot and makes them more uncomfortable. Later on I’ll ask her why she was quiet and remind her that it’s rude not to respond when someone says something, especially if they asked her a question. Sometimes she says she’s shy, sometimes she says she’s tired; there are endless reasons.
I think in this day and age it’s more common to be wary of certain people, but in general – especially when there are children involved – it’s pretty easy to tell when someone’s just being friendly. Even if you don’t want to talk you can still smile and be nice.
I have noticed that some people – and it seems to be older people, or perhaps those w/o children – seem inconvenienced when their day is interrupted by a noisy, chattery child. In that case it provides a teaching/learning opportunity, because not everyone will receive your child with enthusiasm and friendliness! People have different personalities, everyone has bad days every now and then, it’s a part of life. It’s also up to us to be understanding at those times and give people the benefit of the doubt.
Justyna says
I am 200% with you on this frustration!! And I think it is SO the parents not teaching their kids to be human, you call it impolite I think its outright jungle behaviour not to say hi back to a little person smiling and waving at you, though I think even a monkey would smile back not have a glazed over look of confusion. My daughter is two and even as a baby she would say hi to ppl in the supermarket and they would ignore her so with adults I would say to her “its ok honey, nice of you to say hi but not everyone is polite and says hello back, sorry” I would usually get a hi her way from that, negative words they heard just fine but not a smiling toothless wonder waving and hollering hi! It’s a growing concern for me because she thrives from connections and plays well with others! Today at open gym at gymnastics she must have said “hello friend” to eight kids and all looked at her like she was from mars, I did say to a few of them “she did just say hi to you, polite thing would be to say hi back” but nothing, like I was speaking another language?? It’s really frustrating and heart breaking. All these so called experts state at this age they forget the experience as soon as they have had it but I honestly know she is affected by it by how she looks at me for feedback when she gets no response, none, nothing. Argh and Sigh all in one. You posted months ago so if you have any new tricks send a boo. This sort of stuff goes hand in hand with her being sat on or pushed out of the way by kids too, even her cousin will just sit on her sitting in a little chair until she moves away from painand his stupid parents say nothing while mine looks at me like “do they not see me?” I feel like I have failed her in some way but she is one heck of a personality and I figure one day a handful of ppl, the right kind. :/
Gina says
So glad this isn’t just happening to us – I was beginning to wonder what did I do? My son is so friendly & kids in kindergarten & after school love him, but a few longtime preschool friends are ‘clickish’ at parties and don’t say a word, to the point where 1 was practically rude opening his present as if he didn’t want to open his, tossing card w/out opening. AND it was in a nice racing bag w/ checkered paper & multiple nice gifts inside. I left saying I am so thankful for a considerate, sociable & caring child & hoped he wouldn’t change.
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