It struck me the other day that I’ve been running for over three years now.
Truthfully, I didn’t think I’d stick with it this long. I thought I’d give up, that I’d find it too hard, too boring, just not me. And I’m happy to say I was wrong. Well, at least for a little while.
But over the last six or so months, I kind of lost my way. I got caught up with keeping up with the Joneses. And, most importantly, I stopped — or forgot — to ask myself if I actually liked all the training and running.
I mean, I’m kind of a “running blogger”… aren’t I supposed to be singing the praises of long distance training and declaring how much I love half marathons? Aren’t I supposed to want to push myself to tackle two half marathons in two weeks? Isn’t that a blog-worthy feat?
And then it hit me like a ton of soggy bricks during the miserable Hartford Half Marathon, somewhere along Mile 9. It was then that the thought I’m really not having fun popped into my head, loud and crystal clear.
Something about it was different from the self-doubt that often plagues me mid-race.
Because it was the truth.
My mind whirled as I struggled to finish the rest of the race. I thought about the fact that I’m not an elite runner so why am I out here, completely miserable? Because isn’t the point of participating in sports to have some fun (and maybe get some exercise along the way)?
I thought about when I first started running, before I even started blogging. When it was just something I did to get back in shape after having Mimi, and I didn’t feel pressured (thanks to my competitive nature) to keep up with fellow running bloggers who have been training longer than I have — and, to be honest, are generally a good 8-10 years younger than me.
I recalled the joy I felt as I was competing in local 5Ks and 10Ks and saw my time improve with every race. I remembered the overwhelming excitement and pride the first time I placed in my age group, when I was able to live in and relish the moment and not think about how I was going to spin it on my blog.
Kind of heavy stuff as you’re struggling to finish 13.1 mile with a nasty head cold in the freezing rain.
But for better or worse, that epiphany at the Hartford Half coincided with a toe/foot injury that has significantly impacted my mileage the last few months. Thankfully, I’m feeling better and I’m optimistic I’ll be able to get back to “real” running in a few weeks, because I have missed it. The question is, what do I want to get back to?
And I realized the answer is simple: I want to get back to that place I was in three years ago.
So that’s what I’m going to do in 2015.
I want to focus for awhile on what I love most about running … sprinting distances. I have to get my running mojo back, so why not go back to the beginning, to how I fell in love with the sport?
Coincidentally, I feel like I’ve totally plateaued this past year in the 5K and 10K, so my plan is to really work in some speed drills and track work and get those sub-25 and sub-50 times. And I mean really do speed drills, not say I will and then blow them off. That’s why I’m thinking about joining a local running group who meet on Wednesday nights at a local high school track. Yet ….
I do want to run a half marathon this year…when I’m physically and mentally ready. I do like the 13.1 distance — there is such a sense of accomplishment when you finish a half.
I just wasn’t very smart with how I approached it last year, and I admit I’m still a little scared and feeling gun shy after my experience at Hartford. I think I need to get back to my happy running place first, and then I hope to run a half marathon at some point this year, hopefully with Dr. G. and some friends. But, trust me, you won’t see me running two half marathons in two weeks again.
I want to run without feeling like I have to post a sweaty, post-workout selfie on Instagram or Facebook. Okay, I know there’s no one forcing me to do this. And, sure, that’s not to say I’ll never post anything on social media after a run. But if I do, I want to do it because I felt like I accomplished something that day — negative splits, a new PR, etc. — or I’m excited to share an awesome new piece of running gear…not because I feel like I’m obligated to.
I want to run while not completely blowing off all the other forms of physical activity — and cross-training — that I tend to ignore when I’m training. Yes, my plans all have cross-training built in, but inevitably each week, one of my training runs will get disrupted by Dr. G.’s travel or something with the kiddos or a work event. Because I don’t want to miss a training run, I’ll usually reschedule it for the next day, ousting the Body Pump or yoga class I had planned on. Plus I’ve fallen in love with barre class, and I forgot how much I enjoy spinning, and I don’t want to give either up.
And, most importantly, I want to run for me — not for blog material or to “run brag” or to validate/prove myself.
I do love the running blog community. On the whole, they are a supportive bunch and I’ve met some really incredible and inspirational men and women along the way, some of whom I’m lucky enough to call my friends.
But I admit it was a little too easy for me to get sucked into something that’s not quite right for me. At the end of the day, I’m a recreational runner who is happy running a few times a week. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I should feel proud my accomplishments, not disappointed or critical that they didn’t meet some imaginary “standard.”
It’s amazing how a little self-reflection and introspection can be so therapeutic. I feel ready to start out on this new path. And don’t worry, I’ll still be writing about running and training, but hopefully in a more positive way that represents who I really am. Hope you come along for the journey.
How has your running perspective changed at all over the years?
Joanna says
I have never been a runner, but I’ve experienced similar feelings in my nearly 2 years of CrossFit. I’ve found that it helps to find a new sport to try out with CrossFit helping in training for it. My new sport is ice hockey and it’s given me a new incentive to train 🙂 great post!
Rachel says
Good for you, Jessica. I love running just to run. It’s my mental stress release and quiet time. I’ve never been a competitive runner because for me, that would take the fun out of it. I hope to try swimming this year – some other form of physical activity that will be easier on my knees and joints. I joined a running club this past autumn that focuses on track workouts. It really is a good way to improve your speed.
Sheri says
I just signed up for the Newport Half. Never thought I would have even have the desire to. It will probably be the one and only because I prefer the shorter/faster-paced runs. We’ll see. Good luck getting that mojo back!
Annie {Stowed Stuff} says
So real, Jess. 13.1 is a crazy long distance in my book. I love running for me and my sanity too. I wish I could do longer distances, but I’m just not in love with it enough to go further than 4 miles. EVER. I wish I had a sport that I was good at, but I was never really good at anything. Does dance count? LOL. Karaoke? This was a very real post – love your honesty. Here’s to speed and running for you in 2015! Maybe I’ll join ya sometime. I’m super S-L-O-W, yet proud of myself for trying! Happy New Year!
Nicole@RunningWhileMommy says
Great post! I have felt that way and really needed to think long and hard about this year. The big goal will be my second marathon in November. Took me a full year to make that decision too. Not going to go crazy with too many races either. My other goal will be a 5k PR. Looking to get that in May. Want to run stress free though and only because I want to.
Kristen says
I feel like I am the same kind of runner as you – I’m much happier running 3 times a week for fun with no pressure than I am at following a half marathon training plan. They kind of suck haha. I’m trying to actually get through a whole training plan for my next half in March, and I’m hoping it goes well! Good luck with running in 2015 and I hope you have lots of happy, pressure-free runs!