So Wednesday’s post got me thinking about those two dirty words: mommy guilt. I know, I know, countless articles and blog posts have already been written about it. But what always strikes me as ironic about mommy guilty is that it’s self-imposed. No one is standing there, wagging a finger in our faces, criticizing us for the choices we make as moms. We do it to ourselves. We’re our own worst enemy.
For some of us, motherhood comes a completely unrealistic expectation of perfection. We know it’s crazy, but in the back of our minds, we still strive for it, still want to live up to the grandiose ideas of what we “should” be like as a mother. The ironic thing is that what we “should” be like is constantly changing, depending on who is standing on which soapbox.
Let’s face it: The mommy guilt game is tiring. Exhausting. Demoralizing. It isn’t healthy for you or your family. Instead of focusing on what I “should” be like, I just want to focus on “being” … being present with my kids and being who I am, and not forcing myself to be someone I am not.
Because I am not perfect. I’m just a mom trying to do her best.
So here are the 10 things I refuse to feel guilty about anymore:
1. Occasionally serving cereal for dinner. Or ice cream. There are some nights you just really don’t feel like cooking. Or you get home late. But sometimes it’s just for fun. Who wants to bet your kids will look back when they’re older and smile when they recall that time their mom surprised them and took them out for sundaes for dinner, just because?
2. Missing their nighttime baths now and again, because we were busy playing Uno or reading stories or just goofing around. You can always compensate later with baby powder and wipes.
3. Swearing in front of my kids. It’s usually an accident, a slip of the tongue, but you know, sometimes sh%t happens. The most important thing is to not make a big deal out of it.
4. Serving my daughter frozen mini pancakes every single morning because she’s in a temporary “pancake phase” and it’s the only thing she’ll eat. Sure, they may not offer any nutritional value, but at least it’s breakfast and it allows us to get out the door in the morning. Plus, next week you know it will be French toast sticks.
5. Letting my kids play with my iPhone in any of the following situations: waiting for a table at a busy restaurant, long car rides, grocery shopping and running to Target. I’m not a big fan of video games but sometimes those Angry Birds can come in real handy.
6. Putting on Sofia the First for 30 minutes so I can clean up the kitchen, make the lunches and get everything lined up for the next day.
7. Telling a little white lie every now and then (see Liar, Liar: 10 Lies I’ve Told My Kids).
8. Eating the last of the M&Ms, candy, ice cream, etc. and throwing away the evidence before the kids discover what I’ve done.
9. Not being able to volunteer in the classroom every week — or ducking out of being the classroom mom. Here’s the reality: some of us are naturally better at handling this sort of thing than others, and not everyone has the time and energy to take on such a task. And sometimes, getting your kid dressed and out the door to the bus in time is a major accomplishment in itself. Plus, don’t worry, you can always help out by collecting box tops or buying a $25 mug with your child’s “self portrait” as part of yet another school fundraiser (true story).
10. Not sitting together as a family for dinner every night. Yes, yes, we all know how important family meal time is. I mean, who wouldn’t love to sit down together at 6pm for a home-cooked, nutritious meal every evening? But during the week, some of us have to work late or have long commutes. Or there are soccer practices and T-ball games and Boy Scout meetings that interfere with dinnertime. Sure, many of these are out of your control, but we voluntarily sign up for extracurricular activities, knowing that some things may have to give temporarily … like family meals. And it’s okay. I know my kids will be fine if we have to occasionally eat in shifts for awhile. Family dinnertime does not have to be a make-it-or-break-it kind of thing; we just try to do it when we can. (Personally, I love our Sunday family meals!)
What sends you on a mommy guilt trip?
Jacqui says
LOVE LOVE LOVE this post!
Jessica says
Thanks, Jacqui 🙂
Chelley / AisForAdelaide says
I love this list. I have a lot to learn from BTDT moms and I hope that I let go of guilt before I feel it.
I already drive myself nuts making breakfast and trying to get family dinner on the table the moment my husband put his key in the front door. Thank you for reminding us, it’s OK to just let life happen without force!
Jessica Cavalier (@sloppycopymommy) says
Like others have said, this is a great list. The post I just put up today is about mommy guilt, too. Apparently it’s an epidemic…I’m glad that we can all decide together to get past the guilt! 🙂 You know, Sofia the First is the PERFECT length for a load of dishes…I wonder if Disney was thinking about that when they planned it all out.
Jessica says
Ahh, great minds think alike!!! I’m trying to get past it, but I admit it’s harder than you’d think some days. The best part of Sofia the First is hearing Tim Gunn’s voice. I keep waiting for him to tell Sofia to “make it work.”
Lynda@fitnessmomwinecountry says
Jessica, I love every part of this post….Cereal for dinner? Hellooooo, yes who hasn’t and how fun, or pankcakes. The missing the bath part, that is what “sponge baths” are for right?
Wonder why we are so darn hard on ourselves….
Jessica says
Thanks, Lynda! Honestly, sometimes I’m the one who’s craving cereal for dinner. And we are big fans of pancakes or waffles for dinner, too (we call it “silly dinner” :>).
Sharon - MomGenerations.com says
Guilty as charged: the entire 10. And my kids turned out just fine! Now, of course, as a Grandma, I could add 10 more awesome things to your list without blinking or winking an eye! Thanks for posting…
Jackie Hennessey says
I adore this list, this post and your awesome outlook on parenting. Oh…and I I’m totally guilty of all of them! I love the “serving cereal for dinner”. My favorite way to approach it is by announcing, “Kids, how about breakfast for dinner?” And then it looks all planned out. God bless you for all of these – you are a rock star mom! 🙂
Jessica says
Jackie, you’re so sweet. Looks like you and I are both on the same page on the swearing thing 🙂
Angie (mouthsofbabes.net) says
Great post! #3 is my favorite. There are so many worse things you can do besides swearing in front of your kids. 🙂
Leah DeCesare - Mother's Circle says
I am all about GUILT-FREE parenting! You’re right on – we are all doing the best we can! Plus – kids are resilient, and we NEED to take care of ourselves (including some chocolate) to be the best moms, wives, friends and the best US we can be!
Jessica says
Amen, sister 🙂 And a big heck yeah to needing chocolate!! 🙂
Ashley says
Yes! Yet another post I need to have tattooed somewhere on my body!
Jessica says
LOL – too funny! My body would be covered from head to toe if I tattooed all the fabulous posts you ladies come up with!
Kathy Radigan says
After 14 years of being a mom I have let go of a lot of these guilt trips on myself. Probably because I have done just about everything on your very funny list and my kids have lived to tell about it!! Lol! Thanks, just what I needed to read today!
Jessica says
Thanks, Kathy!! And I’m glad to hear you’ve been able to let go. I admit it’s kind of a work in progress for me but it’s soooo worth it … and freeing at the same time.
Frugalistablog says
Oh yeah! I’ve given up on these a LONG time ago! Maybe because my kids are older, but now all these things are just a way of life.
You forgot- “gives them Uncrustables in their lunches because it’s the only thing they’ll eat.” Those damned package sandwiches- make me feel guilty every morning!
Jessica says
How could I have missed Uncrustables!?! I am giving them an honorable mention.
Lisa @ The Golden Spoons says
This is a great post! I struggle with #9. Since I am a SAHM, I feel like I am expected to volunteer for everything and that others probably think there is no reason why I shouldn’t. I have definitely taken on too much at times and I am learning to say “no.” (Visiting from Honest Voices)
Michele C. says
Great list!!! I have finally found peace with all 10 of these things too – I stressed and fretted about so many of these things but you know what? I have two freaking awesome kids who use their manners, treat people with respect, and who are filled with love. That’s all that matters in the end. Now, pass the mini pancakes (because seriously, they are pretty tasty, I get where the kids are coming from!).
Ja @Ja on the RUN says
Haha! Love your list especially #1! Who says you can only have cereal for breakfast! It’s a filling dinner too! 🙂
Dollops of Diane says
Well there is SOME nutritional value in frozen pancakes 🙂 I actually serve them for dinner sometimes.
Jessica says
If I serve the kind with blueberries, does that count as a fruit serving for the day? 🙂
Katey says
High five for trying to give baths every night! I have resorted to the two girls (9,4) showering together three to four nights a week while I do a bath with the toddler boy when I get the chance three to four times a week. Of course unless they absolutely need one!! I have the mommy guilt over TV and frozen chicken nuggets ALL the time! Thx for sharing!! 🙂 – Katey @simplymommies
lauren says
I don’t know… this sounds like some seriously bad parenting. Rather than write articles rationalizing what you know is a mediocre effort, why not just re-prioritize?
Kids need healthy food and they need you to be the parent and insist that they not eat sundaes/frozen pancakes/whatever they are demanding just so you can “get out of the house”. Why not establish a morning routine that isn’t rushed, prepare some nutritional food, acknowledge when you aren’t able to live up to that standard every day, and then evaluate your discipline so that it doesn’t happen very often?
Wash your children.
Learn 10 children’s songs you can sing together and 5 word/ color/ alphabet/ number games that you can play anywhere so that you can interact with your kids and not just hand them your iPhone.
For the love of God, volunteer in your kids classroom. It’s not a ton of fun, but many hands make light work, you know? Using the excuse that “some of us are naturally better at handling this sort of thing than others” is so incredibly lame. In a matter of years your kid is gonna google this article and you’re going to have a lot of explaining to do. Having kids means rearranging your life and your priorities – this article is very sad.
Dollops of Diane says
I find your comment very sad. No one is perfect and we all do the best that we can. If you find her choices that atrocious that you HAD to comment then why not give suggestions for changes in a positive matter? As moms, we should be supporting each other – not tearing each other down. We are all in this together.
Annie {Stowed Stuff} says
Well said, Diane! I agree. We all do our best and some days are HARD ~ very hard! It is exhausting trying to do it all! I hope Lauren can lighten up!
Being Loopy says
You must have children that eat nothing but fruit, veggies and protein, play together nicely and never, ever whine. How nice for you. Now, get off your high horse, get real and join us here in reality.
Lollie - The Fortuitous Housewife says
I’m proud to say I am guilty of these 10 parenting sins, plus a multitude more, and guilt just isn’t part of my Mommy equation. What’s the point, guilt won’t make me a better parent (based on someone else’s standards).
I chose to focus on three simple measures…
Do my children know I love them to the ends of the universe.
Are they considerate, compassionate, generous and healthy (but not necessarily squeaky clean).
And are they inquisitive, eager & motivated learners.
Everyone is different, hence every parent is different, and those differences are what foster uniqueness in our children. If we all parented the same, we’d end up with a society of uniform, uninteresting drones.
I may do things differently from the Mom down the street, I may not always agree with her parenting choices, but I will always support and cheer her on, opposed to criticizing.
I’m confident when Jessica’s children read this post some distant day in the future, they will smile at their Mom’s honesty and humanity, and be thankful she’s their Mom.
JD Bailey @ Honest Mom says
Jessica – I do every single one of these things – LITERALLY. Well, except the pancakes. Ours aren’t mini, they are full-size. 😉
Lauren – glass houses, lady. Glass houses.
Julie Dennehy says
Hey Lauren, if you read Jessica’s blog regularly, you’ll find that she is an incredible caring, creative, healthy, happy, and honest mom with nothing to be ashamed of in the least (truth: she’s all that and a bag of Pop Chips).
In addition to a full-time job AND two little ones, she manages to stay fit, be fashionable, and be in mad love with her hubs. And do 5ks and she didn’t mention she’s on the PTO, did she? I say she’s doing all the right things – her post is a bit of a confessional “first world problems” humor piece, not revealing anything her kids will EVER be ashamed of after they spend time at friends’ houses – families who struggle with addiction, violence, neglect, and much bigger issues than frozen pancakes and lack of facetime in the classroom. Jeez, sister, lighten up.
Julia Magnusson (@notlikeacat) says
I do a lot of these–and a few of my own! http://www.itsnotlikeacat.com/10-confessions-of-a-regular-mom-part-1/
And it’s TRUE, some of us are much better at handling those things than others!! I’m in the “other” camp, tough since we’re in a cooperative preschool and I have to be the parent helper in the classroom every 3 weeks and sometimes I am REALLY not in the mood to be with 13 preschoolers. And my 2-yr-old is in a chocolate milk phase, and so what if that’s practically all he ate for a week? Calcium and protein and fat! He’s fine.
Hang in there, and ignore the Judgy McHating Sanctimommies. My friends and fellow mom bloggers are much like me and you–just doing the best we can and raising happy kids!
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